I’ve always talked to myself. I rewind scenes to make sure that my wording conveys the depth of emotions that I’m hoping for. I repeat the same lines over and over again to make sure that the inflection in my voice is a rich mix of strength, dignity, anger, hurt, etc.. Sometimes, I get caught in one moment and live in a constant repetition of a few words. I struggle to escape the emotion that has me trapped in this loop.
My sister used to knock on my door and ask who I was talking to. I would explode, “Myself and you know that!” I truly believed she was trying to make me feel crazy. In retrospect, maybe she was just asking, and I was the one who thought I was crazy.
Sometimes, I catch myself mumbling in public. I won’t notice until my face makes too harsh an expression and I realise, Oh God, I’m talking to myself in public again. I flush in embarrassment and look at my feet. I forcefully end the all-consuming story that I was living in and scan the area, trying to see if anyone noticed my lapse in composure.
I grew up in Santa Monica, California, which is just north of Venice Beach, California. They share a border. Our high school sports teams used to play each other, until one year, two students got into a fight at a basketball game, and one stabbed the other in the eye. That's the rumor anyway. Venice Beach has a rather large and well-known homeless encampment. I would call it a town. Encampment feels wrong. It’s what you say about people you’re at war with. I’ve seen it in movies, “They have a small encampment on the shoreline just south of here. If we strike at midnight, the element of surprise might just be enough...” Or something like that.
Their towns stretch along the boardwalk, the beach, and little pockets on the street that they settle down in. When you pass these towns, oftentimes somebody will be talking to themselves. Rewinding scenes to make sure that their wording is just right. Repeating the same lines over and over again to make sure that the inflection in their voice is the perfect mix of emotions. Getting caught in one moment and living in a constant repetition of a few words. Whenever I pass by, and I see somebody talking to themselves, I think, “If I were a member of their town, passersby would think I’m crazy too.”
Sydney Sobel
Innsent 1.10.2025, birt 1.10.2025